If I Had a Blog This is what I'd say...

I go through periods where I feel like I've got it together...my family is healthy, pets aren't dying, work is going well, things just generally feel "right"...and then I go through periods where I feel like I'm barely holding on. I think this happened before we had kids, but it seems more pronounced in the "AK" years (after kids). If I'd started this post three hours ago it would be full of swear words but I've since had some alcohol and the kids have been asleep for a couple of hours so I'm a bit calmer. Plus I'm blessed to be married to a very calming man.

My family is healthy, our remaining pet is not dying, and work is going well, but I still feel like I'm barely holding on, so there is more to it than that. I feel like I haven't had much time for me lately. Which is odd because the majority of the last seven days I've only had one child to take care of. But this has been brewing for a few weeks. Elliot's recent emotional state at daycare has been hard on me -- it's got me to thinking about his personality in general, and I worry that he's going to have a tough road ahead of him. I think his sensitivity leads to his volatility, and it can be hard to be on the receiving end of it. And I'm sure it's tough on him too.

When I titled this post "the balance" I was thinking about the balance between finding time to spend with my family and finding time for just me, but I realize it's also about finding a balance with Elliot. Knowing when to push him past his comfort level and when to just let him be. Knowing when to walk away from him when he's hitting or screaming and when to fold him up in my arms and just hold him tight. Continually wondering what the "right" thing to do is, to get him past whatever hump is in his way.

I recently had a conversation with my sister and she acknowledged (after saying how much she loved Elliot) that she has always thought that Greg and I haven't had the easiest time of it, raising our son. I have never thought of him as difficult and would never want to put that label on him, but I was surprised at how validated I felt. He has always slept well, ate well, developed normally, etc., and I never really thought about the emotional aspect of raising him. But while I felt validated, I also felt a bit thrown off, like I was on unstable footing, and I'm still feeling that. He's still the same kid, but I find myself looking at him differently, and looking at my parenting differently. And I don't like it. I don't think this is happening in the moment when I'm with him, but I've been doing a lot of reflecting when I'm not with him, and that's when these feelings come up.

And perhaps that why I feel like I haven't had much time for me -- I've been investing so much time thinking about Elliot. I don't blame my sister for making me feel this way. I would have got there on my own, as I watch my daughter grow and continue to take life very much in stride, laughing almost all the way. It's such a stark contrast to her brother. And it makes me worry about him.

Yesterday I went for a run at Thetis Lake -- my first visit there since before Yoshi died. This was my favourite place to take Yosh, and we logged a lot of hours there. I had been dreading going, and I wasn't going to go until I was good and ready.

I didn't go alone. We are taking care of Digger for a couple of weeks, and I took him and a small part of Yoshi. Before Yoshi died Greg expressed his wish to have his ashes returned to us. I am not sure I would have done this had I been on my own, but I didn't have any strong objections, so I agreed. A couple of weeks after he died we got the ashes back from the vet. In an urn, of all things. We promptly put them in the basement in a closet as we were not ready to deal with them. But we did talk about some of the things we wanted to do with them, and one of the things I wanted was to bring some out to Thetis.

I wasn't sure how I was going to do this -- I didn't really want to go alone, yet I didn't want to go with anyone. Any humans, that is. But as I was falling asleep one night earlier this week, I suddenly thought: Digger. He'd be perfect company.

So off we went, Digger running ahead of me and a small bag of Yoshi's ashes in my hand. I knew exactly where I was going to leave the ashes. On Trillium trail there is a rock outcrop that Yoshi loved to jump off (and Digger too). I planned to throw some in the lake and leave some on the shoreline. I did most of my run before getting to this spot, and it was a good run. I didn't think about Yoshi much, I just enjoyed the run and Digger's company. Although a couple of times I let myself imagine that I was running with both dogs, and Yoshi was off running in the bush, as he often did.

When we got to the spot, I threw a few ashes in the lake and then got distracted as Digger went crazy looking for a stick. I helped him find one, smiling to myself at the interruption, and then grabbed another handful, threw them in the lake along with the stick and whispered to Digger to go in and join him. And he did. He jumped right in the middle of the ashes, and went for one more swim with his buddy. I put a few more on the shoreline and then I just stood there for a few minutes. I told Yoshi I loved and missed him, and then continued on my run. It was then I discovered you can't run and cry at the same time, so I walked for a bit and had a good cry.

I had a few more ashes left and I was just going to bring them back to the house, but then I saw one of the side trails that Yoshi loved to go on, so I sprinkled some at the entrance and just stood there imagining him running through the bush. I could almost hear him. I collected myself and then finished my run with Digger.

It was exactly what I wanted to do, without really realizing that until I was done. It seemed fitting to have Digger with me, and now that I'm through the hurdle of the "first time back", it will be easier to go again.

Thank you Digger -- you were my rock.

Greg and I have been talking recently about how well Elliot is doing at daycare. Compared to a year ago, he's like a different boy. He enthusiastically goes into the classroom in the mornings, he's got a couple of kids he really likes to play with, and he seems to be connecting with all three of his teachers.

Until two weeks ago.

For the past couple of weeks, things have been different. When I pick him up he's often been playing in a corner by himself, or just watching for me. He is much more tentative when we drop him off, and his teachers have said he's been having a tough time. Not all the time, but he goes up and down throughout the day. And he's not very communicative with them when he's not happy, so they haven't been able to figure out what is wrong.

There's been a few things going on. One of his teachers left for surgery and will be gone for three months. But she was replaced by another teacher Elliot knows, and I think he likes her. And he definitely likes his other two teachers. One of his friends has been sick for over a week. And Elliot himself hasn't been feeling all that great. He's had a sore throat and a cough for at least a week.

I've tried to talk to him about it, and he did at one point say he missed Jacob (his friend), but I think I prompted him on that one. And Jacob's been back for two days now and I don't see a difference. I haven't talked about his missing teacher because if he's not upset about her leaving, I don't want to put the thought in his head. Yesterday we talked about his sad feelings a bit and he did tell me he missed me during the day. Fair enough, but why is that all of a sudden making him sad?

I'm really struggling with this, as I want to fix it. Now. Especially since he was so happy before. I have to bite my tongue to keep digging, trying to figure out what is wrong. There's only so much digging you can do with a four-year-old. Plus I don't want to fixate on it, as I don't think that's healthy. It's not that I want to ignore it, but I think I should be focusing on the positive too.

I don't think it's something terribly wrong, because he isn't crying and clinging to my legs during dropoff, and often when I ask him what his favourite part of his day was, it's something from daycare. Plus his general behaviour hasn't changed much. I think if something was really wrong we'd see something at home.

Perhaps it's just a combination of things. He's a sensitive kid, both emotionally and physically, so when you add up a teacher leaving with missing a friend and feeling sick yourself, it doesn't make for an entirely happy kid.

I am finding it hard to balance how much I should talk to him about it, and what I should say when we do talk. Greg pointed out that we should encourage him to talk to his teachers if he's feeling upset about something, which is very true.

At any rate, I'm hoping things improve soon. He and Amy are spending the weekend with Gramma and that's always a perk for him.

Through the last few months of Elliot's less-than-desirable behaviour, I've said numerous times (both to myself and to others) that I'm glad none of this stuff is happening at daycare. It's been reassuring to me that he saves his worst behaviour for me and Greg.

Today at daycare pickup I found out the line's been crossed. Sandra, one of his caregivers, flagged me down to tell me that Elliot's been behaving badly recently. Hitting, kicking, baby talk and screaming. It sounded all too familiar. My stomach sank as she described his last two days at daycare.

I found it very awkward to talk about when he was standing right there, which she understood, so we have a meeting tomorrow morning to talk about it more. But in the meantime I feel like shit. There are a few thoughts running around in my mind...maybe there's actually something wrong with him developmentally...I don't want his caregivers to stop liking him...what the hell will we do if he gets kicked out of daycare?...how are we going to fix this?

I'm hoping that Sandra will have some useful advice for us. I'm not sure what to expect out of this meeting, except that I want to feel better than I do right now. And I want to have a game plan of some kind.

I talked to my sister about this tonight, and the first thing she said to me is that Elliot IS a sweet child, and this is a behavioural issue. I have to remember that. I also have to remember that we're not in this alone. There are plenty of resources out there to help us if needed.

The icing on the cake was after a perfectly good bedtime this evening, he asked for something that was in Amy's room. I told him I couldn't get it for him because Amy was already asleep. He proceeded to throw two cars that he had in bed with him. So I took them out of the room. He then threw his soother. I picked it up, gave it to him, and told him if he threw it again he'd lose it for the night. He looked me straight in the eye and dropped it on the floor. I picked it up and left the room. That was over an hour ago. I've just spent the last hour plus listening to him cry out for his soother. He's apologized for throwing it, he's pleaded, he's screamed and I think he probably threw something else when I wasn't in the room. I lay down with him for a few more minutes just now and then told him I was going to bed too, and I haven't heard from him since.

Probably not my best parenting decision, taking it away from him (this will be the first night he's EVER slept without it), but once I took it away I felt like I had to stick to my guns. But I wonder if any of it gets through to him.

I hope it does soon. I'm feeling quite helpless.

A child this young should not have the power to make me feel so frustrated, exasperated and insecure as a parent. But he does.

We've been having bedtime issues with Elliot over the past month or so. There are ups and downs, but the downs are really bad. Like me getting mad enough at his screaming to scream back in his face. Like me being in tears several times now when I'm finally done putting him to bed.

I have tried posting about it a couple of times in the hopes that I'd be able to see things more clearly and figure out a solution, but I haven't actually completed a post yet because there seems to be so many things I want to say. As well, publishing a post opens the door for advice...and I'm not sure I want to hear it. But as with the conversations I've already had about this, I can ignore the advice I don't like, and act on the advice I like.

The basic issue is I try to leave the room and he starts crying, and I find it very hard to leave him crying, so I don't. I usually leave for a few minutes, come back and see what he wants, and eventually he is happy. I rarely have to go in more than twice, but it's stressful as hell. Not every night is like this -- some are still as smooth as they used to be. But a growing number are very bumpy.

The stress comes from the conflict I'm feeling. I know he's pushing the boundaries, seeing where I'll push back. I know that, yet I let him push. I don't let him push in other areas of our life, so why here? Why can't I just put my foot down, leave the room and not come back? It's because hearing him call out to me, crying, is excruciating. I don't want him to ever think that I won't come if he needs me. But that's just it...he doesn't really need me.

Tonight I got pissed off enough to just leave him (after a bedtime routine that was difficult from start to finish -- usually the pajamas, books and brushing teeth part of it is no problem, but not tonight). Greg actually suggested I go back to the door (not go in) and see what he wanted. If I'd been on my own I probably would have just left him. But I did go back, and when I opened his door he was happy as a clam. He wanted to "see Amy". Translation: he wanted me to come back. And I did. Again. Greg clarified afterward that he didn't mean for me to open the door. He just wanted me to stand behind it and tell Elliot it was time to sleep.

And maybe that's the happy medium here. Yes go back, to appease the stress of leaving him, but don't open the door. I guess I'm not convinced that will be any easier. But it's probably worth a shot.

It's all a bit of a shocker...for two years we've had the best bedtimes. Something I've been proud of, and something Greg and I have benefited from, as we've had some pretty relaxing evenings after bedtime. Now it's draining. I often get anxious before I put him to bed, which I'm sure he picks up on. And I analyze. Continuously. Further drain.

I've tried talking to Elliot about this (of course at a much simpler level, and not in the heat of the moment) and he seems to understand at least a small part of things. Today out of the blue on the way home from daycare he said "there be no crying at bedtime". Of course saying and doing are two different things. And he is only two.

I know there are going to be some rocky times, but I want to feel like most of the time we're on solid ground. And right now I don't feel that way. Right now I feel like things could get worse before they get better.

Not the greatest feeling.

We arrived home after our aborted beach outing right before Elliot's nap time. This is a bit risky, but usually we can make it through without too many tears. Not so today.

He was great for his diaper change, but when I said it was time to read books, the trouble started. He didn't want to stop playing with his cars. I'm not sure what order it all happened in, and I don't really want to rehash it all anyway, but there was screaming, crying, spitting, throwing, kicking, stomping and hitting (my glasses were thrown from my face with the force of the hit).

My struggle is keeping to my guns. Well, not so much keeping to my guns, but how to proceed once I've decided on the consequence. After he'd screamed and spat multiple times, I decided there would be no books. Just songs. I don't feel I can skip the songs because he needs some sort of calming period before bed. I gave him plenty of warnings about no books, mostly because I think he's still young, and I don't want to be too rough on him. Plus he was so exhausted. But with the exhaustion, I wonder how much of this is actually sinking in, so I wonder if it's worth it to stay the course. It would have been an easier process if I'd relented and allowed books once he'd finally calmed down. But I don't want him to think that his behaviour is acceptable.

My other struggle is to contain my own anger, or at least react appropriately so he can learn how to do the same. After he hit me, I was MAD. And when he threw a car, I just got madder. I think I probably yelled. I know I grabbed him not-so-gently and sat him down.

I wanted to just put him in his crib until he calmed down, but when I did that, he started trying to frantically climb out. So I was worried about him hurting himself.

Then when my anger subsided I just wanted to hold him until he calmed down, but he was still too frustrated and he just kicked.

I don't know what finally calmed him down. I did end up putting him in his crib again, and he must have just exhausted himself, because he didn't try to climb out. He just looked at me forlornly. After a few minutes I asked if he wanted to sing some songs with me, and he said yes.

So in the end we had a good cuddle, a few songs, I told him I loved him and we parted ways at peace, him happily lying in his crib. Which is the end result I wanted, I just would like to find a less stressful way of getting to that result. Coming home earlier would have been smarter, but lots of times it works out fine, so it's unpredictable.

Perhaps more play time before going to bed would be good, regardless of what time it is. Because this whole process took over half and hour anyway -- I may as well have let him play for 15 minutes and then start the naptime routine. He'd end up being in bed about the same time. I will try that next time.

So it's a lot of work getting out of the house with two kids. It's even more work when you're going to the beach. There's the sun screen, the hats, the beach blanket, the beach toys...just generally more stuff. Then there's the shade issue when you have an under six-month-old who can't where sunscreen. But Elliot loves the beach, so to the beach we went.

We decided on Esquimalt Lagoon, mostly because I've never been there. We got out of the house by 9:30, amazingly, and Amy fell asleep in the carseat on the way there (after screaming bloody murder while I got ready). That was fine, though, as I was hoping she'd just stay asleep in the seat while Elliot played.

We get there, get all the crap beach stuff out of the car, get everything set up, and Amy wakes up crying. And it's WINDY. Annoyingly windy. Elliot doesn't want to wear his hat. Amy's screaming. Life's great.

Jen arrives with her two charges, and Carys has fallen asleep on the way. I need to feed Amy, so I offer to sit in Jen's car, feed Amy, and let Carys sleep a bit longer.

I feed Amy, and the boys play while Jen looks on. Things are looking up. Amy seems happier. I get out of the car, go back to the beach, put Amy into her carseat so she can get some shade, and she starts crying again. I am assuming she's tired, but in hindsight I actually think it was the wind.

Elliot takes his hat off. I tell him he has to put it on, or we are going to go. That will surely work, as Elliot LOVES the beach. "Go home, Mum." Oh dear. Did I mention how much work it was to get there? "No wear hat, go home." Okay, so maybe we'll try the food tactic. It works for all of three minutes. Amy continues to cry.

I look at Jen. She looks at me. Should we go? We make the decision to go back to her place. Complicating the decision is a third friend is supposed to join us...how do we let her know? Neither of us has a phone. Thankfully she showed up before we left, so that solved that issue.

We pack all the stuff back into the car, and I use the term "pack" lightly here. Everything's covered in sand after our 20 minute stay at the beach.

Both kids are back in the car. Both are not crying. Things are again looking up.

We headed back to Jen's and had quite a nice visit and play there. Part two of the bad day didn't start until we got home. Part two will be posted later, after I've had a drink. It's not too early for alcohol, is it?