I go through periods where I feel like I've got it together...my family is healthy, pets aren't dying, work is going well, things just generally feel "right"...and then I go through periods where I feel like I'm barely holding on. I think this happened before we had kids, but it seems more pronounced in the "AK" years (after kids). If I'd started this post three hours ago it would be full of swear words but I've since had some alcohol and the kids have been asleep for a couple of hours so I'm a bit calmer. Plus I'm blessed to be married to a very calming man.
My family is healthy, our remaining pet is not dying, and work is going well, but I still feel like I'm barely holding on, so there is more to it than that. I feel like I haven't had much time for me lately. Which is odd because the majority of the last seven days I've only had one child to take care of. But this has been brewing for a few weeks. Elliot's recent emotional state at daycare has been hard on me -- it's got me to thinking about his personality in general, and I worry that he's going to have a tough road ahead of him. I think his sensitivity leads to his volatility, and it can be hard to be on the receiving end of it. And I'm sure it's tough on him too.
When I titled this post "the balance" I was thinking about the balance between finding time to spend with my family and finding time for just me, but I realize it's also about finding a balance with Elliot. Knowing when to push him past his comfort level and when to just let him be. Knowing when to walk away from him when he's hitting or screaming and when to fold him up in my arms and just hold him tight. Continually wondering what the "right" thing to do is, to get him past whatever hump is in his way.
I recently had a conversation with my sister and she acknowledged (after saying how much she loved Elliot) that she has always thought that Greg and I haven't had the easiest time of it, raising our son. I have never thought of him as difficult and would never want to put that label on him, but I was surprised at how validated I felt. He has always slept well, ate well, developed normally, etc., and I never really thought about the emotional aspect of raising him. But while I felt validated, I also felt a bit thrown off, like I was on unstable footing, and I'm still feeling that. He's still the same kid, but I find myself looking at him differently, and looking at my parenting differently. And I don't like it. I don't think this is happening in the moment when I'm with him, but I've been doing a lot of reflecting when I'm not with him, and that's when these feelings come up.
And perhaps that why I feel like I haven't had much time for me -- I've been investing so much time thinking about Elliot. I don't blame my sister for making me feel this way. I would have got there on my own, as I watch my daughter grow and continue to take life very much in stride, laughing almost all the way. It's such a stark contrast to her brother. And it makes me worry about him.
Comments
Doing the right thing
Hey Sue,
As I've said before, I think of you as one of the best parents I know. I guess all I can really say is that you ARE doing the right thing for Elliot because you are acting from deep love for him. Hugging him, walking away, booking yourself a vacation all by yourself...those are all acts of love towards you and your family. Is it the perfect thing to do, the best thing, the right response to each situation? Who knows? No one will ever know. Will your children take issue with your parenting choices at some point in his life? Of course. We all do. But even days when we think we are "bad" parents can teach something important to our children. Guess what kids? Mom isn't perfect and I don't expect you to be either. (At least that is what I tell myself on those days when I have some perspective. :))
And I know you know this, and I know it is hard to get past the guilt-inducing aspect of it, but taking time for yourself is very directly doing something for your family. A happier, more rested person is a better parent.
It sounds hard right now, but I'm positive it won't always be as challenging. Hang in there!
me too!
As you well know, I spend many the hour worrying about Lizzy and her personality. Same things - when to push and when to accept. My other struggle is how much do I 'defend' and 'cater' to this personality and how much do I try to modify it. All the while, questioning my choices.
And as Lizzy has gotten older, it has definitely gotten easier. But at the same time, the worry hasn't subsided. She has learned to modify her behaviour. Sort of. But she will always have the same feisty, stubborn, demanding approach and I can see that clearly now. At the same time, people often tell me how wonderful she is, how good she can be with her friends' younger siblings, and even I can see how game she is to live life to the fullest. I've really tried harder lately to focus on the good things about her complex personality, instead of worrying so much about those other traits.
Good luck with keeping the balance and keep reminding yourself that it is possible to feel you have it all together, even on the days when you feel so, horribly, not in control. :-)