If I Had a Blog This is what I'd say...

We broke ground this afternoon for a sandbox for Amy and Elliot. Elliot was playing with his dump truck and loader in the resulting dirt pit and left the vehicles in and near the pit when he came in for dinner. It looks like a mini construction site out there now. And if I wasn't so lazy I'd upload the picture I just took of it...perhaps later.

I phoned Service Canada to change my address. After being told they have an "unusually high call volume", they directed me to their website. The recording specifically said I could change my address there. I went through about 15 hoops to sign up for an epass account (four security questions, the usual user id and password, three different agreements to privacy statements and a bunch of personal questions), only to be told that I wasn't eligible to change my address online. It listed a bunch of reasons, none of which applied to me.

So I phoned back and was told to try again later, as their call volume was too high. Nice.

I couldn't get hold of my mum on the phone yesterday until about 8:30 pm. I kept getting a "call cannot be completed as dialed" message. I finally phoned Telus and the operator got me through. When I asked why this was happening she told me the system was overloaded because of Mother's Day.

Makes me wonder what will happen if/when a natural disaster strikes BC.

I took Elliot to the medical clinic tonight for an issue related to his boy parts (we'll just keep it at that to protect his dignity). As we were waiting our turn, he told me his tummy hurt. This was the third time he'd told me that today, and usually it means he has to poop. So we went into the bathroom. I pulled down his pants and tried to put him on the toilet, and he planked on me. I put him back on the floor, and he complained again about his tummy. He then grabbed his throat and sputtered "I'm going to spit-up, Mum!". I knew vomit was imminent. I had the wherewithal to get out of his way, but not to point him toward the toilet. He proceeded to puke all over the bathroom floor, his clothes and his shoes, all with his pants halfway down his legs.

The poor guy. Although he felt so much better afterwards that he perked up right away, and watched while I cleaned up the bathroom floor. I could have let the receptionist do it, but I felt bad for her, cleaning up some other kid's puke. So she gave me gloves and some cleaner and I did it. We had a long wait, so it gave me something to do. This is the first time I've had to clean up that particular type of mess, and I dreaded this day. Surprisingly, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

We finished up our wait in the clinic, went to the pharmacy to get some drugs, then headed home. Thankfully the second puke session happened in our bathroom, in front of the toilet, and it all made it in the bowl, thanks to Greg.

As Greg mentioned in a recent tweet, we are dreading the middle-of-the-night clean-up that is bound to be happening tonight.

Oh, and let this be a lesson that carrying around a spare set of clothes for your child is not wasted effort.

Elliot and I took the bus home today. While environmentally conscientious, it's certainly not the quickest way home. Although, things would have been a bit more streamlined sans child.

The trip home was a multi-step process:

Step 1: Catch bus from downtown to Elliot's daycare. This was easy and I timed it well.

Step 2: Figure out what bus stop to get off at, and then proceed to get off.

Step 3: Find Elliot. I thought he'd be outside, but I couldn't see him playing. So I went inside. He wasn't in his classroom or the "pickup" classroom. So back outside it was, and I found him second time round. He was wearing a bright orange short, so not sure why I didn't see him the first time.

Step 4: Walk to bus stop. Slowly.

Step 5: While waiting for bus, respond to Elliot's "I'm thirsty" and "I'm hungry" pleas. Greg and I are expert parents now and we have learned to come prepared for these pleas, or there will be hell to pay. I was able to provide water and snacks.

Step 6: Get on bus. Unfortunately it was the milk run, but I didn't feel like waiting 15 minutes for the next bus. So we got to go back downtown and then we were treated to a scenic trip through Saxe Point.

Step 7: Figure out what bus stop to get off at, and then proceed to get off.

Step 8: Carry Elliot "until that pole". I made a mental note to bring a backpack next time so I don't have to juggle five things and carry a 40 lb child.

Step 9: Discover that your child has a much better sense of direction than his mother as he immediately requests to go to the "Library" Park. He's been to this park maybe ten times over the past three years, and can't see it from where we are walking. Yet he knows it's close. I agree to go to park.

Step 10: Play at park. This was no big chore since it was such a beautiful day.

Step 11: We call it the Library Park for good reason...it's right by the library. Consider Elliot's request to go in a get a library book. Sure, why not.

Step 12: Trip to bathroom. Unfortunately we didn't avert a minor accident, but thankfully Elliot doesn't mind walking around in wet underwear.

Step 13: Pick out book. Elliot was more interested in toys, so I picked out the book. Halfway through my selection process Elliot announces he has to poop. Based on the smell in the vicinity, I check his pants to make sure he didn't already. Thankfully just gas. He decides he'll wait to get home to poop.

Step 14: Attempt to use automatic checkout to take out book. Computer Science graduate can't figure it out so we go to main checkout desk.

Step 15: Leave library, head for home. Have to walk through the "Boat" Park, Elliot's favourite park. I agree to do five underducks.

Step 16: With the five underducks complete, we head for home. I have to carry Elliot up a very large hill. I make a second mental note to bring a backpack.

Step 17: Elliot finds newfound energy and races for home with about 100 m left.

Step 18: I arrive home a few seconds later...almost two hours after I left work.

But it was sunny, I spent that whole time with Elliot, and dinner was ready when we got home.

I've just finished my second day back at work. Two days down, thousands to go. There were ups and downs. Getting out of the house was a bit stressful for me, but for no real reason. It actually went pretty smoothly. I think I was just out of practise.

Elliot's drop-off on Monday was pretty seamless and Greg did Amy's, which involved a few tears, but not many. I was met getting off the elevator at work by my two bosses and a friend, all of them with hugs. Everyone had warm hellos for me, and on my desk there was a bouquet of flowers, four framed pictures of my kids and a gift bag filled with goodies and a new mug. Plus a co-worker had baked a bunch of goodies in my honour. I couldn't have felt more welcome.

Dinner Monday was a bit hectic, but we managed to get through it (through cries of "Mum, play with me"), got the kids bathed, lunches ready, and Greg and I even managed to watch an hour of TV.

Elliot's drop-off today was again fine, and I did Amy's as well. That one wasn't fine. I walked down the driveway hearing her screams fade. I called once I was at work and she'd calmed down a bit, but it took her an hour before she was herself again.

Dinner tonight went a lot more smoothly, probably because Elliot played outside and Amy was in a much better mood then the previous evening. She's definitely on the mend from her cold.

Work is a bit slow as we're waiting for some contracts to get signed, but I'm muddling my way through. I know things will pick up eventually. It feels both strange and familiar to be there. There are four new people (which is a lot when you only work in an office of 15 people), and they've been there for a while so they've established relationships with the people I already know. I'm sitting at my same desk with my same podmates, which is great.

I went for a walk on Monday at lunch at saw a few mums with strollers. I felt a twinge of something, but it didn't last long. I am definitely ready to be back at work, I am just looking forward to it feeling normal again.

I'm thankful that my return will be so gradual, mostly because the kids aren't plunged into four days of daycare a week. And it's nice for me as well, to get back into the work thing slowly.

Our evenings won't be as relaxed as we try to get everything ready for the next day, and it's making me think about what day I'll take off when I do go back four days a week. I was originally thinking of taking Fridays off, but I'm wondering if Wednesdays would be better. Then the kids get a midweek break from daycare and Greg and I get a break from frantic evenings. I might try it that way and see how it goes.

Speaking of frantic evenings...I'm going to end this now so I can spend some of this evening relaxing with my husband. After I do our menu plan, of course.

My first day of work after more than a year off is tomorrow. My house is a mess, the dishes aren't done, we have to unpack from a weekend away, lunches need to be made, my daughter is suffering from a terrible cold (on her first birthday, no less) and I think I'm getting said cold.

Not a promising start.

I've just had the kind of day that makes me glad I'm going back to work. Amy has a cold and didn't sleep all day, and Elliot was a bear. Probably in part because Amy didn't sleep -- I wasn't able to spend any one-on-one time with him.

He kicked, he hit, he threw toys and he generally didn't listen.

One plus to the day was we went to Hillside and got one of those double car strollers for the first time, and both kids loved it.

Actually, in hindsight it was just the afternoon that sucked. The morning was fine. And now they are both asleep, so the evening is going fine as well.

Well I just sent Amy off to her first half day of daycare with no feelings of guilt, sadness or worry. Sure she's only one (almost) and she's going to a friend's, but considering what I've been going through with Elliot, what does this say about my parenting? ;)

The end of a really good era arrived for Elliot (and us) a couple of weeks ago. For the past two years he's been going to a good friend's house for daycare, and he's been loving it. When I'd tell him it was a daycare day, his response would be "Yay!". When we'd drop him off he'd say a quick goodbye and then often follow it up with "You go now, Mum". There were several times when he'd be in tears because we were leaving at the end of the day. Greg and I consider ourselves very lucky to have had this arrangement for so long.

Sadly, she's closing her doors soon, and I'm going back to work in a couple of weeks. Thankfully we found a space in another daycare, a centre that's had him on their waitlist for three years. Amy will also soon start there, but probably not until June (in the meantime the aforementioned friend and Gramma are helping out with her).

Elliot and I both went to visit the daycare last Tuesday, and since then he's been on his own there three times, including this morning. He's only stayed about three hours each time.

The drop-offs are as expected. Cries of "you stay, Mum", physically clinging to me, tearfully waving to me out the "goodbye window". It feels horrible. And while it helps on a theoretical level to know that millions of children and parents have survived this transition, it doesn't really help on an emotional level. I still feel like a terrible mother.

I think if this were a necessity I'd feel a bit better about it, but this is a choice Greg and I have made. We do not want to make the drastic lifestyle changes required to have me not work, and even if we did want to, I do not want to be a stay-at-home mum.

I've referred to an emotional roller coaster in this post's title, but it's probably better described as an emotional hole. Because there have been no ups. When I think about daycare I almost get sick to my stomach. When I drop him off, I'm nervous, although I think I'm able to hide that from him. When I pick him up we have a happy reunion, but it doesn't make me feel any better that he is so happy to see me. I imagine he's been missing me terribly for the past three hours.

I know I'm not giving him enough credit. Kids are incredibly resilient and adaptable. Elliot can fend for himself when he needs to, and he does it a whole lot better without me than with me. I'm his safety net, which is how it should be, and I shouldn't assume that his behaviour when he's around me is the same as when I'm not there.

I've been getting positive reports from his teacher, but they are brief. I want to be a fly on the wall and actually see him having fun there. I've had a glimpse of it when I pick him up, but then he sees me and it's all about going home NOW. Plus the picture in my head that's more permanent is of him tearfully waving at the window.

This really sucks, and I'll be happy when we are through this transition. I know we will get there. If we don't, then we'll find something else for him, but it doesn't help much now.