endless nights

Okay, so the cough is definitely getting better. The anxiety is not. The last three nights have been brutal.

It seems to go like this…I go to bed at a reasonable hour. I’m already anxious because of previous nights’ bad sleep, which doesn’t help. I can usually manage to get about two to three hours of fitful sleep in, I think in 45 minute chunks. I don’t feel too much anxiety during this time.

Then around 2:00, the anxiety sets in. I wake up freaked out. I am usually able to calm myself, and then I fall asleep again. I wake up five to ten minutes later freaked out again. This goes on for hours. I have to get up to pee so often that in the morning I’m scared to flush the toilet for fear all that toilet paper will clog it. My throat is as dry as the desert. Heartburn sets in occasionally.

Someone at work mentioned the possibility of sleep apnea to me. That had me worried all of Tuesday night that I wasn’t breathing and that Beet wasn’t getting enough oxygen. Didn’t help matters much! Every time I woke up I felt like I was gasping for air.

Last night I slept for a couple of hours on the futon while Greg worked on the computer. He said I was snoring a lot (which is normal), but I wasn’t stopping breathing. That made me feel a bit better. And when I woke up during the night last night it didn’t feel like I was gasping. Plus it seems like people who have sleep apnea aren’t aware that they are waking up, and there doesn’t seem to be anxiety associated with it.

Last night I moved to the couch at about 3:00 and slept upright for a bit. It may not be sleep apnea, but I may be waking up due to congestion from my cold. But I don’t feel congested. That said, I think things were a bit better on the couch. That might be because by moving locations I woke up fully, and was able to calm myself down a bit better.

Anyway, the long and short of it is…I’m scared to go to bed, I’m having terrible sleeps, I’m worried I’m going crazy, I’m starting to feel sleep-deprived, and I’m scared this will never go away.

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