i’ve stopped washing my feet

Yesterday morning I was in the shower struggling to wash my lower legs and feet without falling over and without squishing Beet too much, and I decided enough was enough. For the next five weeks, I’m not washing my feet. I figure enough soapy residue hits them, I’ll be clean enough.

Some other things that would be nice to stop doing over the next five weeks, but not really feasible:
– No more socks
– No more shoes
– No more work clothes
– No more peeing (okay, not as frequent peeing)
– No more carrying Elliot

it’s not a well-oiled machine

With the exception of an ACL tear when I was 17, my body has never failed me. Sure, I get sick, but I’ve always felt quite healthy, and I’ve always felt like I could depend on my physical and mental health.

I’m feeling a little less sure of that now. The anxiety I’ve been feeling has continued to rear its ugly head, although I think it’s a little less frequent. But it scares me, because as of yet there is no explanation for it. And I’ve started to dread going to bed…me who normally LOVES to sleep.

Then on Monday I found out that Beet has an irregular heartbeat. I’ve been for two non-stress tests and an ultrasound this week. The non-stress tests just confirmed the arrhythmia (and that Beet doesn’t appear to be in distress), and I haven’t got the ultrasound results yet. My doctor has tried to assure me that it’s probably nothing, and that it’ll probably resolve itself over time. But it’s hard not to worry.

It doesn’t help that with the exception of the actual birth, my pregnancy with Elliot was pretty much complication-free. I think it led to high expectations this time around.

So my body isn’t exactly failing me…Beet is probably fine, and my anxiety is hopefully just hormonal and will go away soon, but I just don’t like what’s been going on. I feel on edge. And I want to be able to sleep!

getting there

The last couple of nights I’ve managed to avoid the anxiety that I’ve been experiencing. I have no idea why…maybe I just got tired enough. Or maybe it was the tulips that my kind friend left at my door.

Two nights ago I still had a crappy sleep because I couldn’t sleep longer than 45 minutes at a time, but it was nice to feel a bit more relaxed. Then last night I got a couple of two-hour chunks in and a three-hour chunk. It was great.

I still have a sore throat and a bit of a cough, but it seems everyone who’s been getting this cold has it for weeks, so I’m not surprised. I can deal with those symptoms, as long as I continue to sleep better.

endless nights

Okay, so the cough is definitely getting better. The anxiety is not. The last three nights have been brutal.

It seems to go like this…I go to bed at a reasonable hour. I’m already anxious because of previous nights’ bad sleep, which doesn’t help. I can usually manage to get about two to three hours of fitful sleep in, I think in 45 minute chunks. I don’t feel too much anxiety during this time.

Then around 2:00, the anxiety sets in. I wake up freaked out. I am usually able to calm myself, and then I fall asleep again. I wake up five to ten minutes later freaked out again. This goes on for hours. I have to get up to pee so often that in the morning I’m scared to flush the toilet for fear all that toilet paper will clog it. My throat is as dry as the desert. Heartburn sets in occasionally.

Someone at work mentioned the possibility of sleep apnea to me. That had me worried all of Tuesday night that I wasn’t breathing and that Beet wasn’t getting enough oxygen. Didn’t help matters much! Every time I woke up I felt like I was gasping for air.

Last night I slept for a couple of hours on the futon while Greg worked on the computer. He said I was snoring a lot (which is normal), but I wasn’t stopping breathing. That made me feel a bit better. And when I woke up during the night last night it didn’t feel like I was gasping. Plus it seems like people who have sleep apnea aren’t aware that they are waking up, and there doesn’t seem to be anxiety associated with it.

Last night I moved to the couch at about 3:00 and slept upright for a bit. It may not be sleep apnea, but I may be waking up due to congestion from my cold. But I don’t feel congested. That said, I think things were a bit better on the couch. That might be because by moving locations I woke up fully, and was able to calm myself down a bit better.

Anyway, the long and short of it is…I’m scared to go to bed, I’m having terrible sleeps, I’m worried I’m going crazy, I’m starting to feel sleep-deprived, and I’m scared this will never go away.

hoping that health is around the corner

So here I am, three weeks into this “cold”, and I’m still not feeling 100%. But I think I’m getting there.

Last week was awful. The pink eye started to clear up right after I started the antibiotics, even after it spread to the other eye, but my cough and sore throat were so bad that I basically didn’t work at all on Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday. On Wednesday night I started feeling as if my heart rate was racing, and during the night I woke up multiple times with what I think were anxiety attacks. The feeling of anxiety continued on Thursday morning, so with my mother’s urging I went to a clinic (I couldn’t get in to see my doctor).

The doc at the clinic checked me out, gave me a requisition for an ECG and some blood work, and put me on some antibiotics for the cough. She didn’t seem too concerned about my heart rate, but recommended the ECG if things didn’t calm down.

For the next three days, the anxiety attacks and racing heart continued, and last night I was getting pretty worried. I was scared to go to sleep, because every hour I’d wake up totally freaked out. Even though I’d talked to both my dad and sister who reassured me it probably wasn’t anything serious, I still was scared. Which obviously wasn’t helping me calm down!

So last night I phoned the doctor on-call for my doctor’s maternity group. I got a call back about half an hour later, and she was super nice. She was actually covering for my doctor, and it was someone outside the group. She was able to reassure me that it was probably nothing serious, but she said if things got any worse to come by the hospital the next day. She also suggested a couple of techniques for calming myself down.

Oddly enough, last night I actually had a reasonable sleep, all things considered. No anxiety attacks, and just a bit of coughing. And today’s been much better from the anxiety perspective. I feel a bit short of breath and a bit on edge, but nothing compared to yesterday.

From a cold perspective I’m also feeling better, so perhaps I do have some sort of an infection and the antibiotics are kicking in. But I’ve still got a brutal cough, and I’m getting tired of almost puking every time I have a coughing fit.

I’m seeing my doctor tomorrow for a regular pregnancy check-up, but I’m not feeling too confident that she’ll have an explanation for the anxiety attacks. I AM hoping she can give me something for the coughing. I know that I can take Tylenol with codeine, but I wanted to talk with her first.

I’m also hoping she won’t give me any flak for going to the clinic…she mentioned at one point that while I’m pregnant I should see her, not go to a clinic, but when I can’t get in to see her, what choice do I have?

To top this off, I’m out of sick days at work, so I’m not getting paid for the days I missed. Kind of sucks when I’m about to go on mat leave — the more money we can save up, the better.

On the positive side, through all this, Beet’s been moving around like a gymnast, so it’s been reassuring that things are probably all right with him/her.

Here’s hoping I can get a good sleep tonight, and maybe some answers tomorrow.

because having a cold for two weeks isn’t punishment enough

Last night as Greg and I were getting ready to go out for dinner, I noticed a smudge on my glasses. I tried to clean them a couple of times, but the smudge persisted. I realized it was my eye, but didn’t think anything of it.

After dinner we hit Old Navy for a bit of shopping, and my eye felt like it was tearing. I looked in a mirror, and some yellowy-green goop was coming out of it. Great…pink eye! I visited the clinic this morning and the diagnosis was confirmed.

I had a(nother) terrible night…every time I coughed my eye hurt, every time I woke up I needed to pee and cough, every time I woke up my eye was plastered shut with goop. And I still have a sore throat.

I’ve officially had enough. I feel like crap. I have felt like crap pretty much consistently for the last two weeks. I don’t wake up each day feeling better than the day before. Some days I wake up feeling worse.

I know I will eventually feel better. I just want that to happen NOW. I feel like my life is on hold until I can feel healthy again.